THE "DISORDER" DU JOUR

According to a recent study done by the University of Chicago Medical School (and reported on by CNN), people who blast their car horns, flip the bird, and scream obscenities out of their car windows at other drivers are not to be scorned, but rather, pitied. This is because they are not displaying evidence of road rage as one might assume, but are victims of a psychological condition known as “Intermittent Explosive Disorder.”

I once thought I had “Intermittent Explosive Disorder” after eating my aunt Sophie’s Limburger Cheese Surprise, but I digress.

The study suggests that as many as 16 million Americans are affected by this disorder. If that is true, every single one of them followed me to work this morning.

I think those folks at the University of Chicago are on to something. If I can blame a disorder every time I behave badly, I no longer have to take responsibility for anything. What a concept!

I’m not a research psychologist (but I play one on television), so I’d like to point out some disorders that I’ve observed in the general population.

For the guy who cheats on his wife: “Phallic Placement Disorder”

For the guy who talks on his cell phone during a movie: “Indecorous Vocalization Disorder.” This is often followed by the need for an operation known as an “Anal-Cell-Phone-Pendectomy”

For the person who takes 30 items into the “10 items or less” line at the grocery store: “Counterfactual Summation Disorder.”

For the party girl: “Indiscriminate Sexual Consummation Disorder.”

And finally, for the blog writer: “Voluminous Prosaic Verbiage Disorder.”

So, if someone tailgates me today on the way home, I need to remember that they have a “disorder” and they are not actually a "jerk" like I always thought.

Of course, if they tailgate for too long, I’ll have to force them to the side of the road, pull out my tire iron, and confess to them that I have “Aggressive Gluteus Pummelation” disorder.