My consumption of bad food is legendary. I consume Diet Mt. Dew in quantities so large that hundreds of people would become unemployed if I were to ever curb my intake. One time during my years in the ministry, the church custodian followed me around for two weeks prior to my birthday and dug all of my empty Diet Mt. Dew cans out of the trash. The church threw a surprise birthday party for me and when I walked into the church hall they had hung all of those cans from the ceiling on individual pieces of string.
There were over 200 cans.
I also have a major jones for Hostess Fried Apple pies. Their flaky goodness brings me unparalleled happiness and contentment. If you’re familiar with them you know they come in a green package. Those of you familiar with Diet Mt. Dew are also aware that Diet Mt. Dew comes in a green bottle. A few months ago a clerk at a convenience store, (where I frequently repeat this purchase) commented; “You need help, dude. What is it with you and green food?”
My bad food intake doesn’t stop with fried pies. I travel a lot and I’m usually in a hurry so I typically buy food at the same place I buy gas. Perhaps this isn't a recipe for haute cuisine but I see it as a major time saver. This is why a friend who still works for a firm I used to work for recently said; “We miss you man. We no longer experience the lingering odor of stale Diet Mt. Dew and half eaten Quick Trip hotdogs wafting through the air.”
It’s nice to be remembered for the things that really matter.
I’ve been really lucky though. My body seems to have this built in mechanism that allows me eat all of this crap in huge quantities and never get above 190 lbs. With that being said, I’d be a lot healthier at 160 lbs, but at 190 I don’t look entirely like the Michelin Man. I’m in my 50’s now though, and I know that isn’t going to last forever.
My wife has warned me to eat better. My doctor has warned me to eat better. For Pete's sake, the clerk at the convenience store has even warned me to eat better, and I’ve done better from time to time. I even dropped 40 lbs a few years back but ended up giving into the sweet siren call of the Hostess Sweet Roll and gained it all back.
I saw something this morning, though that might finally spur me to do better.
I was putting gas in my car and thinking about the fried pie I was about to purchase for breakfast when a car pulled up to the convenience store. The car was decorated in such a way that made it obvious that it was newlyweds. They stepped out of the car and made their way inside and I walked in behind them. They were young; probably 21 or 22. They acted very happy and like they were very much in love. They were also probably pushing 300 lbs each.
They made their way around the aisles and picked up the following items: several two liters of Coke, two bags of doughnuts, several bags of chips, a half dozen cans of Chef Boyardee Ravioli, and two heat-up burritos. Even with my diet I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
I couldn’t help but think that I was witnessing a young love story that was probably not going to have a happy ending.
I put down the fried apple pie and picked up a real apple instead.
I still got a Diet. Mt. Dew, though.
What can I say?....one step at a time.
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